This i just a run down of what i knew and don't know about myself.
What is in this blog is the truth and hopefully some will remain so as time goes by.

I know i can be funny, i know sometimes i don't know how to turn it off but i don't know why i'm sad most of the time.

I love honesty and i try to be 100% Honest with people even more so if i care about them. I don't know how long it will be before i lie again and i don't know why i'll still dumbly confess eventually.......... well at least 50% of the time.

I believe in love and know it has levels because i have climbed that ladder. I don't know why i have never met anyone who actually loves past the first 5 steps.

I know that I'm not your typical guy and i know that i hate how most guys treat women and some women treat men but i don't know.......really don't know why even after so much messed up situations and hurt and pain and time i have wasted, i still want to remain the same and hold on to my values but it really seems to just be a waist of time.

Wish my father was around to give me some advice, wish i had spent more time listening to his words.
Don't know why he had to when i still had a lot to ask.

I don't know why people tend to not see how special something is till its gone. I don't know if i can forgive and forget again or if i would want to take that risk again.

I don't even know why I'm still typing but maybe this will help someone out there.

I know who i am and who i want to be.

I don't know who I'll become.

All i can give

What is it that you want, what is it that you need.

I gave you my trust and yet you never believed my words.
I gave you my thoughts but you change from day to day.
I gave you my time and i still don't think its wasted.
I gave you my my friendship, but i guess that's was great, just me stupidity for wanting more than you could relate.

I wanted to give you my heart but you did not TRUST my THOUGHTS nor have the TIME to see who i was.

I wanted to give you my future but you where still caught up in your past.

I wanted to give you all i could give but you didn't want it and that's just how life goes.

My Promise

I have tried to live my life how i feel and know it should be. one man to a woman and loyalty and honesty. I wont lie i have stumbled a few time but i always pick myself up and continued on my path.

I make a promise to myself that i will never fall in love again and i'll never put my heart out there to be stepped on and taken for granted.

And if find a girl who wants to be my wife then she will have to earn it and prove to me that she wants it before i will even let myself think about given my abused heart to another to hold and bleed.

P.S.

Yea, im a sucker for love and it has never really paid out.

Feeling helpless

The day when i lost my dad was and will be the worst day for my life. The only thing that can still come close to any of the things i was feeling at the time is that one feeling of helplessness that you get when all you do seems to not do anything and your powerless to change what has happen and what will happen but just like a drowning man you try your hardest to try and swim and you splash and you sink and even as you take your last breath and see the sun for the last time, you still try to stop what you know is coming..........

My life seems to be a self imprinted series of hopelessness, i still try but sooner or later i tend to just sink to the bottom and just rest there, and as i get colder and colder and try to breath and reach for the light, i asked myself why ... why not let it all go, why do i have to try. but then it all stops and you see that with out the light and with the fight there is only cold and appreciation of the light.